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The Real Thing

(x = space)

x

x

The Real Thing

x

I am not in the war

Except

With my mind and heart

My contributions

Here and there

Not for a winner

But for everything

To cease

While there are citizens

And innocence

To count

x

I can’t imagine an explosion

(over me

and I am done)

Next to me

So that I live

But everything is changed

x

For what

And whom I’ve lost

All basic things

And anything

Refined

x

A world that’s there

Even to know

The risks in temporality

And to persist

Then what I know

Is gone

And I am hurt

My body

And my mind

x

I might get fixed

But something will not mend

Something broken

That the screws

And prayers

Cannot reward

With success

x

Some part of me

Who wonders now

A beggar on the plane

Of dreams

And real hours

When I dance

With hate

And seeming

Justification

x

For it all

To have happened

And it’s happened

So that

There’s an end

Before the end

x

C L Couch

x

x

Photo by Jeff Kingma on Unsplash

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3

Rhapsody in Bible

(x = space)

x

x

Rhapsody in Bible

x

God

You are good

You love us

Always

And anyway

x

I’m sure it’s in there

Though I can make

Only pages with

Neat typing

Of blurred letters

As I try

x

And then the stream

The invitation

And a wall of rooms

That somehow

Turn into mansions

Promise of two verses

About paradise

About

You know

Dwelling in the house

Of the Lord

x

There are numbers on the pages

Small headlines

Aids from time

Which were not in

The original

Black pages

Into mod

(it was the sixties

into seventies

for us)

And now the church

All wood

And mullions

With a clock that I could see

When in the choir

Set in the center

So the pastor be reminded

(by the clock

committee)

Of the time

For preaching

And when

To wrap it up

x

I received my Bible there

I think

Or in the rooms

For Sunday School

Which had checked floors

Of tile

Room dividers

In the wing

That had been built

Before I got there

And a breezeway

Over the drive

x

But this is building stuff

And the pages

Pages stuff

What of the truth that’s in there

And it’s in there

I can recall without the images

Though they come

Anyway

The verses and the truth inside

x

Create in me

A clean heart

O God

And renew a right spirit

Within me

x

And that’s only to begin

The faith

And transformation

Needed

That we learn about

In there

x

C L Couch

x

x

from Psalm 51

(followed by

Cast me not away

from thy presence

and take not thy holy spirit

from me

x

which happened to Saul

by the way

at the nadir

of his life

as king

appointed by the prophet

who got directions

from the Lord

to look for someone tall

and

well

kingly

for a tragic irony

as things turned out)

x

sorry, I got into a kind of coda

(that a kind of song, could be a psalm, might have)

x

x

Photo by CHUTTERSNAP on Unsplash

x

0

Heartfelt

(x = space)

x

x

Heartfelt

x

I haven’t slept

My computer wants to update

I won’t let it

I don’t want that now

I want to sleep

The sun is rising

I can see the V from here

(the angle

in the tree)

x

Words

Thoughts

Fears

Then turn it off

And try again to sleep

I can’t do anything today

No appointments

Only analgesics

Lack of sleep

And eating when I rise

Each time

Which sounds like fun

And passes time

But is stupid

Really

x

I’ve had this diagnostic guess

That the insomnia

Is made worse

By indigestion

Not to mention sinus problems

And

You know

Having a heart that functions

Normally for someone

Twenty years older than I am

x

Sigh

Rest

Better food

At better times

Maybe Mediterranean

Easy exercise

In pleasant ambient air

And the air at night

To move and not move

In optimal

Waves and bouts

x

Who else has these diagnostics

Who else is going through this

There is no

Lone wolf in nature

I need my pack

Something for the herd instinct

Foraging

With accountability

x

Lord

Don’t leave me alone

Company for misery

If no more

x

C L Couch

x

x

Photo by Linda Kazares on Unsplash

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2

2 poems

(x = space)

x

x

2 poems

x

x

at the h. f. clinic

x

to the doctor’s well

a doctor type at

the clinic where my

heart failure’s diagnosed

and worked on

blood pressure’s up due

to medication or

some other cause

there’s all the weight from

fluid that is uncomfortable

to feel but since it tends

to kill people by

some kind of drowning I

guess then I should be

grateful and you

know I am

x

x

tawny punks

x

today is

someone’s day

or something’s

thanks to

greeting cards

or causes that simply

want a day

and get authority

to say okay

x

pizza day

beagle day

greeting card day

with greeting cards

for greeting cards

a day for me

is groundhog day

because there

are no cards

so you can cross

out christmas

or new year’s

or presaged a dismal

valentine’s

and write greetings

from

Punxsutawney

over that

and so practice

spelling

Punxsutawney

x

x

C L Couch

x

x

Photo by Ralph Katieb on Unsplash

Groundhog didn’t like the late April snow (she was in the middle of nest building when it hit).

[photographer’s caption]

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3

The Heart

(x = space)

x

x

The Heart

x

I breathe a little

Saturday morning

Last moments

Before noon

When I would be called upon

For chores

Last free moments

Watching another show

As an excuse

Pretending its significance

x

Did I have a heart defect

Back then

We’ll never know

Or was I put to work

Too soon

Or was it the lesson that

Work is bad

And I should only be glad

When it’s done

x

Whichever way

I was a child who

Wanted to

Escape

And on rainy days

I sat in a chair next to a lamp

In the room saved for

Official company

And rather than

All that

I took the quiet

And went into books

With

Stories that saved

x

The mind

The heart

Everything that mattered

x

C L Couch

x

x

Photo by Matt Seymour on Unsplash

x

0

The Redness of Alerts

(x = space)

x

x

The Redness of Alerts

x

I don’t know what comes next

Another heart attack

Ambulance

Lights without sirens

The sky at a glimpse filled with

Canadian fire smoke

Inside

To a small place

And then a bigger place

And then a bigger place

In which to operation

I dozed

I don’t think they talked to me

That was all for each other

Then I’m back upstairs

And in that second bigger place

I picked at food

I was glad I was allowed

To have ice chips

Then water

Then water itself

(such progress)

All the nitroglycerin meant

Emergency relief for my heart

And a worsening headache

Via the pills and paste

I tried to eat

I will feel rather nauseous

So much blood drawn

And bandages all over

Wires

Machine noises

Through pretty quiet

After all

Nursing staff

Aids

Doctors

Tripartite

And a visitor

Who would take me away

When allowed

I got my orders

Plans for the days to come

New medications

Consultations

It started in the middle of the night

Now three nights later

I am back

There were those who prayed for me

I am grateful

I prayed for me

Too

New parts

New repair work

Like an old car

The aptness of a metaphor

I am fixed

No warrantee

But let’s keep hoping

Shall we

x

C L Couch

x

x

Photo by Scott Webb on Unsplash

x

3

sure things

(x = space)

x

x

sure things

x

the child

dressed up as a cowboy

or a football player

dream and irony

x

even then

the heart

might be folded badly

not closing right

or opening

for blood and air

x

and did I feel it?

ask the child

I’m asking later

I don’t know

no one told me

maybe no one knew

until later

x

when the heart attacks

and surgeries

and the device implanted

were and are

sure things in

the older self

x

c l couch

x

x

photo by elias maurer on unsplash

x

2

my heart to give

(x = space)

x

x

my heart to give

x

my heart to give

lord Jesus

my worn heart

broken, stitched

machined

hardly new

why should Jesus

want it

but he’ll take it

I think

not because

of its condition

or because

he can renew

but because

he is all love

and will not refuse

love given

x

after reading “In the Bleak Midwinter” by Christina Rossetti

x

C L Couch

x

x

Photo by Marija Zaric on Unsplash x

2

Missioning

(x = space)

x

x

Missioning

(for Mandy Shunnarah)

x

It’s Wednesday

And a hump day

Too many cases breaking out

Al-Qaeda talking up Afghanistan

Fires in California

New Apple phones

Unveiled there

I need shoes

More importantly a place to live

Local friends are helping

And good thoughts

Come from everywhere

Faroff family stands by

I’m eaten up with nerves

They eat me

Consume the calm

Like the noise above

That means I’m leaving

After many years

Too many jobs

That took up all

My energy allotment

Concentration

And my attempts to rest

And now

Semi-retired

Accosted with all that

x

My heart needs fixing up

x

This should not

Be all for me

Too many people

Have revocable need

I pray

Others help

With worldly substance

So much more than I have

But this should not be for me

In what I cannot do

It’s to put out fires

Help first-responders

Let go those

Who have no perspective

Build up health

Yes

It’s true

And I must ask

For all of us

x

C L Couch

x

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Mandy Shunnarah has been writing about skateboarding and skateboarding—forthcoming book, Midwest Shreds: Skaters and Skateparks of Middle America from Belt Publishing (fall 2022).  Hers is a positive, inclusive, encouraging voice.

https://mandyshunnarah.com/

https://www.offthebeatenshelf.com/blog

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Skateboard on Dry Lakebed

Photo by Kelsey Dody on Unsplash

Alvord Desert, Oregon, USA

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