as Golgotha at home
vicarious
surrogate
the pain of God
on
Calvary
and so take on the unsaving burdens
of the world
without
perhaps the world asking
in fact
the world go so far as to realize the killing
whose pain to
bear
and should I ask to move away
the suffering
like the onerous
stone
each day
and should I ask hers even more
to go
though it’s false-brave of me to say
and yet
the sacrifice was there
and
does it mean
refer to and change
both kinds of pain
the body’s
and the spirit’s
and
I don’t know
but heal her
please
and then may I ask
heal me
c l couch
photo by Sandy Kumar on Unsplash
a study in scarring
1
my lower back hurts
that’s honest
from what
I can guess of all
the movements I have made
though
I am not inside my back
can’t calibrate or re-calibrate
the muscles
without knowledge
on location
what
to apply to help the most
x-rays might help
and medical people to interpret
and
prognose
but we say such pain will go away
as I am saying to myself
just now
and I’ll be right
and should there be a legacy
a favoring of hurt
within
my back
well
I won’t know
so should I call
and
doubt I will
I see doctors enough for more vital
reasons
and I did mention this yesterday
to the nurse who sympathized
but didn’t offer more
and
did I ask
I didn’t
and I’m wondering about pain
and then to anger
because I could get angry
over
something
someone
why didn’t the solution I purchased
that the basketball player
promoted
work better
if at all
why are our backs made
so fragilely
after all
I mean in the beginning
with Genesis
and all
then
why is the world the way it is
and
shouldn’t I get angry at unequal
injustice
anyway
and for a style
and if there were reins
I could pull back
to indicate
that pain might be the reason for all anger
but
in my back is not enough
combining every pain
not world-enough
either
sigh
but mine and all the rest
well
so I want
to say something about anger from pain
how pain is the root
of
all of it
like sin for pride
though can we say all pain
is sin
and I’m unsure that we can
but the angry person we avoid
while
the hurtful we may approach even
with better luck to help
and
the irony in
knowing these are
the same
and
hmm
something to ponder while I hurt
and in all the ways
then to consider
what my attitude
leading
to my actions
well
shall be
and
yes
we can admit we hurt
and there’s a measure given
and the hurt
shall go away except
it doesn’t
then pain to anger and maybe
to hate
and I can only hope it doesn’t go so far
but
it is a hateful world
and so I must
wonder
as if to wander from
hurt to anger and
to hate
and then from hate to anger
then to who is hurt
by cause
and how
and now what
2
and now I’m thinking on it
(the now
what
from pain)
I have to think on scars
I have scars from falling
and from wounds
more so
that nature caused
and there are scars
on backs
and how they go there but through beatings
by injustice
torture by order
subjects
soldiers
slaves
especially the enslaved
victims all
which is a different kind of pain
I think
a hurt with reason to move to anger
and to hate
and should we not hate injustice
and
I think we should
and then in progress
I must think
what
of love
what is the loving thing to do
well
not
to use the lash
in the first place
but
it happened and now what
goodness
are there ways to love the lashed and also
love the lasher
even the victims might be challenges
as I
could know
say
to love the lashed and let them speak
let them tell
the story of themselves
and
how they fell in a world with the unscarred
should there be any
yet
leave time for that truth in things
to treat the victim
as any other
meaning individual and special
specially made
and even
for a special purpose
and so
too
brought
to justice treat the lasher
maybe punishment
yet these are made by God as well
and yet
goodness
(in the second part
again)
how
to love these
and we may
if by confusion and uncertainty
in faith we may love these
as well
for well
all around
c l couch
photo by Inge Poelman on Unsplash
(a pun in English at the end with "well" and "well,"
which might not translate--sorry)
Then Doubt
Doubt is
Smart
It has an edge
There is reason
There
And care for the shape
And flow
Of things on every
Side
Doubt considers
Aspects
What is good
And what needs changing
What
To say halt
To
While there are considerations
And respect
At least a dive into awareness
Of all players
Doubt
Needs affirmation
Maybe
Though first it should get it
Of itself
Which is to say the paradox might be
That
Doubt
Should be awarded its own
Certainty
To say the head
And all corners of the heart
Deserve
Consideration
And then
There are the questions
The committed should ask questions
Too
Practicality
At least
Though when
Doubt and commitment might
There might be fixing
What
Things need fixing
And leaving go
What might be brought
To bear
With virtue
Next
Occasion
Say
When the parent says
I believe
Help my unbelief
The doubt
Affirmed to heal
Embodying the risk
That faith must
Take
For the stronger
Lasting
Miracle
Of holding
On
Sometimes
Or when certain
In the morning of belief and
And in
Life
That also needs
It seems
The evening of doubt
(Mark 9:24 is cited, the entire passage recommended)
The Pain of Doubt
Doubt does
Hurt
It is disturbing
Even when
We try to keep it only
In the realm of thought
There’s
Likely
To be pain
Goodness is more fun
And we like think
More lasting
As
Promises
And prophecies
Foretell
Yet goodness unchained
Directionless
After
The pleasure might need
Something more
As well
And shall doubt
Provide that
The sureness of having
Worked
Through it all
And shall come out on
The other side
A conviction
Certainly
For enough
Of faith
And peace and
Joy
C L Couch
Photo by BenMoses M on Unsplash
Photo by Florencia Potter on Unsplash
I searched for “life,” and this is one of the images I got. A contemporary still life, perhaps? Here’s what the artist has to say: “I tried to shoot some ‘set design’ photos just for fun with a friend and this is the result.” Added is “Hope you like it!” I rather do. Maybe the meaning, if a meaning is required, is that before death when in life we have lemons, we should make, you know, some lemonade. If so, best depiction of a saying I’ve ever beheld. Good day and good life, all!
Por la Vida
I’m tired
And my arm hurts
My neck hurts
Too
I’m stressed
Over several
Maybe many things
Some
More or less
Uniquely mine
Some
Cosmic
Though most of these
Mostly
In-between
And this is how I feel
More than
Emotions
But spread throughout
My body
As I suppose generally
Stress goes
And even body-pains
Are signaled to the rest
To rally
There’s
Depression
And there’s anxiety
They been identified
Anyway
In the way such challenges
Are analyzed
And explained
And often
And with me
Medicated
And that’s all right
Except
I feel the way I feel
Companionship
Might help
Though not always
While
Of course
There’s God
And I shouldn’t minimize
The almighty
Although I do
Don’t I
And all the time
Except
I also wonder
Why there’s evidence in
Nature
And in reason
But otherwise
The act and presence
Of divinity
Well
Denies both in sometimes
Storylike invisibility
But then
I’m on about companionship
Good company
Healthy
Relationship
That is
And shall I have that
Please
Maybe with Irish in a pub
(beyond the stereotype
I am half-Irish
by the way)
Maybe with Germans
(while I
type)
In a haus of hof
For what did Luther say
Of beer
But that it proves the love
And happiness
By God
Though I imagine
More than anodyne
Is needed for full
Living
And life is what I mean
And mean
For you
And quandaries
(I don’t think I’ve used that word
before)
Questions about remedies
Or simply how to answer
All the requirements
In a day
C L Couch
(with apologies to Irish and to Germans, though I think we/they can take it if not live it)
Painless
(for patient patients)
I need my pain
The captain
Said
And I suppose
The captain’s
Right
Worse the luck
For all
The pain
That is
In the world
My portion
In
My body
At the moment
And for hours
And for
Days
Treatments
Notwithstanding
(they help for
a while
sometimes
but
might not resolve)
I complain
It’s inconvenient
And
Might be a sign
Of
Something worse
Inside where
I can’t see
Of
Course
And maybe a medico
Or a machine
Will tell
It is a signal
That something
Is wrong
And as
A constant
Thing
Might mean
There’s always
Something
Wrong
Which could be a
Signal
Even
Of mortality
To bear
There’s pain
And there is pain
‘Cause
There are kinds
And painless be
The world
In
The future
On
The other side
Apocalyptic
When joy
Shall go unmingled
And
Can we
Imagine
Such a thing
A time
(timeless)
And place
(not
placeless)
And new condition
While
We carry what
We carry
And regarding
Hurt
We try and
Others try
To fix us
For forbearance
And for health
Here
And now
(not timeless)
C L Couch
Captain Kirk is quoted
Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash
(x = space)
x
x
God = Not a Sadist
(read God equals not a sadist)
x
Pain is good
It teaches us
It tempers us
We come out wholer people
Better for it
Pain is the megaphone
Says Lewis
Pain is loud
Ginsberg might say
(might say)
Pain howls
x
But it doesn’t howl
Because it’s good:
Pain is bad
It hurts
Great pain hurts
Great
After great pain
The formal feeling comes
Does God allow pain?
Does God wish it?
I don’t know
Christ in the garden
Asked not to feel hurt
And he was
Severely
Bloody
Hurt
Until he died
We say he had to die
Well and good
For theology
And there was real joy
In his returning
Perhaps he felt it first
x
I don’t like to hurt
I hope you don’t
I’m in pain now
My neck, my lower back
My eyes from lack of sleep
I have heart disease
And it seems my heart and lungs
Work against me
When it hurts to breathe
Though they are not the source
They are victimized
By fluid
That should not be flowing,
Pressing there
x
Worse, my brother dies from cancer
And it hurts
The medicine might help
It also creates new trials
A passing between pain
And something like sedation
And somehow in the middle
Is what’s living
x
And you hurt
I don’t know how
And the world hurts
In every fracture
x
So where is God?
Where is the love of God?
Where is God is love?
God is there
Love’s there
If God allows
Much less or much more
Created pain
Then there is love as well
Also created
And I think
Preferred
x
But pain is hard
It’s not good
We say pain is gain
But it isn’t
Pain is a signal that
Something’s wrong
And we’ll find out
Everyone finds out
The world dissembles, but
Pain is true
Pain sometimes teaches
Usually after the fact
Or in someone else’s story
x
I think if pain
Could not be real
If we couldn’t have it
That would be
Better
We might say we’d
De-evolve without it
Maybe so
But then
The world would have to change
And would be changed
We don’t know how
We live with pain
We even bear it
When it won’t
Go away,
x
Which doesn’t mean
We should like it
That God should like it
Wish it
Before the fall,
We might well guess
There was no pain
x
Sorry
There’s pain now
I don’t wish for you
Your pain means
A great deal to me
I cannot make it
Magic
Go away
Or mine
We’re stuck
And while we’re stuck
Comes all the learning
All the tempering like
Metal fired
And then struck
At least we’re not the ashes
At least we’re here
For everything
Imagined,
More so
Realized
And that’s what we have to say
Pain is real
x
C L Couch
x
x
(a Sunday School discussion from James 1, an epistle in the Christian New Testament)
x
notes (references)
Mere Christianity
“Howl”
“After Grean Pain, a Formal Feeling Comes”
x
[photographer’s narration] When we visited Utö, the most outer island of this beautiful archipelago in the place we call Finland, I allowed myself to be guided by the incredible energy of Inca, the daughter of the family we were visiting there. She took me to a series of abandoned bunkers from the times this island was a military strategic point and there I found this graffiti that represent very well the feeling of all that has to do with military, war, conflict and drama. With love from Korpo.
Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash
x
(x = space)
x
x
Late Cancer
(diagnosed, lived out)
x
My brother
Might have to be moved
Again
He is frustrated
Wants to be home
Before he wanted to be
Elsewhere
But elsewhere isn’t working out
I understand
The purpose of a medical setting
Is not to settle in
But to leave
When well
Stay is contraindicated
Home
As it cannot be managed
Still remains the prize
x
He’s in pain
Palliation only goes so far
Before the pain
Folds in again
He’s also frightened
I would be
I am in contemplation
Though these are his days
And shall the cancer
Diagnosed too late
A year ago
Take him to another home
Prepared
At last
To last
x
But there’s today’s pain
I don’t know how to wish
The pain to go away
Without invoking
The scary, heavenly alternative
But prayers aren’t magic
We aren’t dealing with a genie
Waiting to misstep
Our hopes
In misspoken entreaties
Heal my brother
Still
Is every prayer’s day
That might make nothing happen
‘Til the pain-releasing thing
Must happen
Tragically for us remaining
For him who suffers
Most of all
x
It is late December
I agree it is a magic season
How much amazing
Might be borrowed
From days
Of extra stars and circles
Green and all the other colors
Only for him
x
C L Couch
x
x
Photo by Kalle Kortelainen on Unsplash
[photographer’s narrative]
A crisp afternoon around 3pm in Dalsjöfors, Sweden these incredible snowflakes appeared on the hood of our car. You can almost hear the crisp snow creaking under the soles of the winter boots by just looking at them. Pure natural magic.
x
(x = space)
x
x
Ow
x
I rock my back
My back says ow
My mouth forgets to say
x
I fell down some stairs
Last night
It’s still a curiosity
x
I didn’t have to sacrifice
The plate that I was holding
Ow, I’m learning
x
C L Couch
x
x
Photo by Szabo Viktor on Unsplash
x
(x = space)
x
x
What Number Pain Today
x
I don’t know
Or recall
Who came up with
Quiet desperation
Perhaps a modern poet
I hope you
Don’t have to live that way
Something inside
That found its way
A sidling kind of thing
That won’t let go
It could be memory
Or money
The potential for a scandal
Or simply a lot of pain
Not the kind that
Inspires a statue
And who needs that?
x
Pain is a reaction
A response
Also a signal
Can keep in the inner workings
Working
It should have an end
Not simply a measure
But that’s what
Therapy
Or medication’s for
x
Or simply bearing
Old body pains
A place of wounding
In the spirit
We can keep
Except sometimes we can’t
Then the therapy
Or medication’s needed
Prayer
Companionship
Companionship in prayer
x
Aquarius bears water
The libation bearers, well,
Libation
As offerings
Atlas
Or the elephant
Bears the world
And there’s the story of Saint Christopher
Who carried Christ, not knowing
It was Christ, through water
And a storm
And the child’s weight increasing
Until the one who carried him must say
He bore the weight
Of the world
And did bear
x
Carry weights
And pains
And as pains are signals
Pay attention
Carry,
I mean carry,
Carry on
x
C L Couch
x
x
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
x
the phrase “quiet desperation” is by Thoreau in Walden
x
clcouch123 
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