look forward in anger


awkwardness and shame
and so I force
myself
to show up at things

a gathering of nearly any kind
friends
church
the
store
and I hadn’t had this thought ‘til now

years of wishing
I suppose
as I had been reinforced
to be
alone
and to an extent perceived maybe
by
the company I kept

though Jesus knew sinners
after all
and
Jesus knew me

somehow it’s a child’s feeling
too
perhaps
due to how I was treated
how
some awful thoughts took hold and so
would not let go

and maybe I’ll be free
someday
maybe the demon will be forced to leave
since
it can’t be comfortable in there with
all
the praying with the supplication

yet
there are claws as hooks and
to ask
how pleasant is a life a hell
disappointed by
one’s lord

so the demon will stay
encouraging
the awkwardness and shame
not
to mention all the anger over Prufrockian
plotting and
not hearing angels
sing


c l clcouch


 
a reference or an allusion is made to “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock,” a modern poem by T. S. Eliot in which the protagonist quests to find mythic meaning, that is, to find something beyond oneself (yet connected to)

there is also an opposite use of the title Look Back in Anger by John Osborne, a play from 1956 about post-war life with meaning

while the feelings plus divisions mentioned in the poem are my own


photo by Tomas Trajan on Unsplash