apologium

I’m out of energy and health and I don’t know what
to do
dear God
dear
God
am I allowed to ask for something like a miracle
or not like at all
but in fact the miracle

I don’t like myself
so much
and
life has been a combination of my bad choices
and bad choices made for me
and I don’t know
how to work our the judgment of all that
and
think maybe that it isn’t my job

and maybe I really too
much
on grace and mercy
or
maybe
in fact I do not ask hard enough
earn my way
through emphasizing
even crying
what
I want

as I read prophets and kings and how
they plea to you before
during
after
travesties

though I’m not sure the order in some psalms
if
confession comes first
and then gratitude
or
is gratitude expressed up front
or maybe
anyway
as a fact of life and love and when
dispensing grace
and
mercy

if only in waiting
and
to keep the time for us
and keep us
in the time

oh
God
I need your help for I am too tired
and
I am wrong and have been wrong
too much
so there might be patterns
of
familiarity with sin

as if a cycle
only at eye-level
meaning one that doesn’t change
by
overall improvement
and
to raise my vision

but stuck
for
all these reasons and some
more
no doubt
and
yes
I try to reach out
on Earth and honestly
that hasn’t
worked out so
well

which I guess too close to the way of the world
while
understanding I have failed
too

and if all the wrong is punishment
well
how may I argue
if maybe
I’m prepared for enough fitness
to
take part in what is next

though there is that grace and mercy
and the choice
for
faith and I wonder if that should be enough

not my idea

anyway
God help me
please

defeat the enemy and help me
to know friendship
with
your angels
with some of your people who are trying
to get
by
in a soulful way
the way
through here

c l couch

and, yes, this is my confessing voice, though it could be the voice of anyone who needs and is trying reaching out

the title (my subcreation), a single apology or a place in which apologies might be confessed

queens and queenly people offer songs of faith as well, often with more confidence; e.g. Miriam, Deborah, Judith, Mary mother of Jesus

photo by ONUR KURT on Unsplash